Just a couple mini updates for y’all, which I’ll probably spend 2,000 words detailing. Concise, I am not.

Schedule:

First chemo treatment is scheduled for Tuesday, with a visit with the doc and some labs beforehand. I’ve been told to expect about a 6 hour day. Anyone have any good book/movie/TV recommendations? I’m thinking I can bang out just about all the Matt Christopher books.

Remainder of Cycle 1 is Wednesday – Friday, the following Monday, and then I believe the next Monday as well. You’ll have to ask Jenna.

Pro Tip #?:

In the unlikely event you ever get cancer (and I really hope you don’t), I’ve found it’s a HUGE help to have someone close to you handle the logistics. My wife, Jenna, has been all over this since Day 1, and it’s been a big weight off my shoulders for a couple reasons.

First of all, my brain isn’t totally working right now due to the constant onslaught of shit news. When I start hearing things I don’t like, my brain tends to tune them out. It’s probably some sort of primitive self-defense mechanism, but it’s not great for remembering little details. Secondly, nobody hates logistics more than me. Jenna claims to hate them too, but she has a unique talent for scheduling things, keeping tabs on the progress of various lists, and just generally TCB’ing (that’s “Taking Care of Business” in case you didn’t know). She even has her own self-devised system of checkboxes and what-not. Anyway, it’s been a big help, and it’s one more thing I don’t have to deal with. So yeah, besides going back to work, raising an infant and a toddler, pumping breast milk at every opportunity, keeping up the house, scheduling treatments and ferrying me to and fro she doesn’t have a whole lot going on right now…

My Visit to the Masturbatorium:

Note: Prudish female relatives, read on at your own risk.

I believe that’s the technical term for fertility clinic, yes? What an odd morning. First, I managed to convince the doctor not to stick me with a needle since I’ll be getting labs on Tuesday anyway. Win. Next, I met a swarthy, bewigged man named Conrad who led me to a tiny room for the purpose of filling as much of a highball glass with semen as I could muster. Do they really need 8 oz cups for this? Who’s filling those?

Conrad: Here is your remote. Do not touch any buttons above the tape.

So, the remote was literally inside a Ziploc baggie, which I can only assume (hope) they change between “patients.” I’m sure they do; it was a fancy place with free Keurig coffee and classical music and stuff. Also, what happens if I press those other buttons???? 

The rest was uneventful, although I will say it was a little difficult when the time came to actually corral the specimen. Feel free to use your imagination as to why. Or don’t. Actually, don’t. It was also extremely awkward handing Conrad my cup afterwards. The silent judgment in his eyes filled the Andrology Lab. I WAS DEHYDRATED, CONRAD! 

Anyway, treatment starts next week. I’ll do my best to keep up the updates since I’m really doing this for anyone who stumbles across this looking for answers during their own time of great stress and uncertainty. But I’m warning you now, be prepared for far fewer semen jokes over the next couple months.